Biff the Bison

Republished from The Babbler, Feb. 20, 1986.

Tom Kelsey, who was an athlete at LU, speaks to the Bison head to get the low-down on exactly what happened. Trapped in a Honda for a couple of days does not seem fun, and I think you’ll agree after this.

So, we present to you our guest columnist, Biff the Bison head. Take it away Biff.

I want to give you the readers, a detailed account of my story and the lessons I have learned.

Tuesday, Jan. 28, 1986

I had just settled down for another evening’s rest. It was just a bit chilly in the gym that night. All the gym rats had finally left, and then, I had hoped I could get some shut-eye.

I don’t get a lot of rest this time of the year. Basketball season is tough on me. If one of the Lipscomb college teams has a game, then I’m always up late until they clean the place. Then the next morning, it’s back to the rate race. Early classes – boy, I hate those. Students come in laughing and yelling at such an early hour. It doesn’t bother me too much because I love it here in ‘ol McQuiddy.

About that time I heard some noise. I knew there shouldn’t be anyone left in here because they locked up the place like 10 minutes ago.

I saw some people walking toward me. They were pointing at me like I had done something wrong. “Oh no,” I thought, “they’ve got tools, and these guys aren’t Lipscomb students.” I wondered what they were doing with those tools?

I got worried and started yelling SECURITY, but our trusty security guard was parked in his car and sound asleep. “Please Mr. Security, wake up. I need your help.” I yelled. It was no use because the plexiglass was off and I was bare to the world. One of the hoodlums reached for my head… “Be careful fellas,” I said, “that’s my head you’re dealing with!”

I couldn’t believe it. They had taken me off my wall, and they were putting me in the trunk of a car.

It was real cold back in the trunk. I wondered where they were taking me. At first I thought they were taking me to a Bison roast. It wasn’t long before the car stopped. We couldn’t have gone but a couple of miles.

They opened the trunk and I heard them talking about where they were going to put me. I heard one say he had the biggest closet in his dorm. It was obvious then I was at a college in Nashville.

“But, which one could it be?” I thought. I knew it couldn’t be Vandy; all they do there is study, and what would they want with a Bison head like me. Then I thought maybe Trevecca – no, they have curfew, and since it was past midnight, it couldn’t have been them. And then I thought…No, it couldn’t be, but it unfortunately was. Belmont…BELMONT! Of all the places I had to get taken to – Belmont.

Thursday, Janurary 28, 9:30 a.m.

It was early in the morning and I was stuck in some guy’s closet who stayed up all night and slept all day. They must not have chapel like we do. All they do over there is listen to Amy Grant records…Great music, but all day long!

Saturday, February 1, 1:47 p.m.

By Saturday morning I was beginning to get frustrated over there. There hadn’t been a ransom for me yet, and I was beginning to wonder what Lipscomb was doing about this. I expected them to call the local SWAT team and demand that I be found. Then, I thought that maybe I was washed up and that you all didn’t want a useless old Bisonhead around anymore. But, I had to have faith that someone would find me eventually.

Saturday, February 2, 3:05 p.m.

At the end of the weekend, I had begun to get home-sick. I remembered that intramurals were taking place in McQuiddy, and how much I wanted to be there. But I was stuck in some guy’s stuffy closet.

Although I was in this guy’s closet, I was being treated fairly well. The food was great…they fed me a frozen burrito from the 7-11 across the street.

Monday, February 3, 3:23 p.m.

The weekend had passed; I knew that the Lipscomb teams had had a game this weekend. I was wondering how the teams were doing, because I all ever heard of there was Belmont, Belmont, Belmont. I also hoped that security measures because I didn’t want to ever be kidnapped again.

Tuesday, February 4, 1:39 p.m.

I knew something was going on. I could hear the thieves planning on what to do with me next. I could just sense they were beginning to get nervous.

Thursday, February 6:40 p.m.

I heard them come in the room. I knew I was about to be going somewhere. When they came to get me out of the closet, they were dressed in some funky clothes. They got ready and took me into Belmont’s gym. I thought they might make me pay, but they didn’t ask for any money. I didn’t pay, but they didn’t ask for any money. I didn’t want to be there whether I paid or not. A Belmont security officer made his way over to me, and I knew something had to be up. He asked the thieves a few questions. The security guard told them they would have to take me back to Lipscomb. I couldn’t believe it; I was going home!

That same night, around 9:37 p.m. I was back at beautiful DLC, and it was game night. They were carrying me into McQuiddy, past the lobby, and into the gym. There was a timeout taking place, and they walked me in and held me high in the air. The fans went crazy. They must’ve really missed me after all. I even had a standing ovation…couldn’t believe it.

But fans, readers…listen kids I would like to let you know one thing I’ve learned from this. It’s to have fan support, but sometimes it gets carried too far. I’ve learned that it’s great to cheer for the home team, but to boo the other team is kind of unsportsmanlike. Now, I know we as fans get carried away sometimes with our enthusiasm, and we take the game too seriously. We have to remember what it is – just a game.

I need to learn to respect other teams’ fan also. I can always learn from someone else. Instead of trying to get in a fight with the other team’s mascot, I am going to try to respect him and conduct myself like a Bison head mascot should.

As a mascot, I know there are small Bison heads that want to grow up and be dedicated fans like me. Sometimes I don’t set the best example because I’m picking fights with my opponent’s fans instead of doing my job – cheering on my team!!

The sad thing is that so many students love me as their mascot, and I always haven’t been a great example for them to follow. I have finally learned what my role is to be. I will let the coaches coach, the referees ref, the players play, and I will do what I am supposed to do = cheer my team.

Sincerely,

The Bison Head.